Written by Christine Ann Lawson, Ph.D., a clinical social worker in private practice in Indianapolis, Indiana, this book simplifies the Understanding the Borderline Mother with plain language and children’s stories. In my own experience, this book proved invaluable, aiding me in comprehending the personality disorder of my mother and, most importantly, myself.
“Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) is defined as “a pervasive pattern of instability of interpersonal relationships, self-image, and affects, and marked impulsivity” (APA 1994, p. 650). The term borderline means that their emotional state can border between psychosis and neurosis, particularly when faced with abandonment or rejection. Thus, children with borderline mothers grow up in a contradictory and confusing emotional world.”
Indeed, discussing this topic can be challenging, especially when we’re the children who’ve gone through such situations. It’s essential to recognize that there are no guilty parties, no victims or victimizers; these are life situations many of us have encountered. This book marks the first attempt I’ve seen to understand the children of parents with mental disorders.
“Adult children of borderline mothers enter therapy to understand themselves. They feel fragmented, depressed, and confused because understanding their mothers seems impossible.”
Often, people tell us that we should understand our parents, as they are ill, but throughout my life, I have wondered, who understands us?
And who cares about our feelings and the consequences we face as children of mothers with personality disorders?
For a long time, I felt guilty about the emotions and frustrations that arose due to having a mother with BPD. Yet, this book has helped me understand and free myself from that guilt. It is entirely normal to feel that flood of emotions and thoughts. I hope that, like me, this book will be helpful to all children of Borderline mothers. I recommend reading it slowly, as it is a work to reflect on as you read and assimilate the topics discussed in the text.
“For some readers, the content may be profoundly disturbing. Those who grew up with a borderline mother may need time and distance to fully digest the contents of this book. “
Make-Believe Mothers
In this chapter, we explore how someone with Borderline Mothers transitions from calm to neurosis and how it affects their children. They can be affectionate mothers one moment and suddenly unleash their rage and hate on their children.
It is a reason why it’s challenging for children to comprehend their Borderline Mothers, as they erupt without apparent reason. There were many occasions when, no matter how I communicated with my mother, she consistently conveyed negativity. It used to bewilder me and create guilt, but not anymore.
“Borderline mothers are intense, unpredictable, and sometimes volatile. One day they may see their children as angelic; other days their rage or sarcasm can shatter their children’s souls.”
Borderline Mothers feel betrayed when others don’t share their opinions, triggering anger and a defensive, attacking posture.
Children of Borderline Mothers often struggle to trust their mothers due to specific personality traits that make them feel insecure. The book outlines some of these traits, and I wholeheartedly agree with them: “(1) She is manipulative. (2) She distorts the truth and may even blatantly lie. (3) She may physically harm them. (4) She is unpredictable. (5) She overreacts. (6) She is impulsive. (7) She has poor judgment. (8) She has an unreliable memory. (9) She is inconsistent. (10) She is intrusive.”
One intriguing aspect is that individuals with BPD tend to forget their actions easily. It stems from the emotional stress they endured in childhood, affecting memory and emotional regulation in their brains.
So, a Borderline Mother, unable to remember emotionally intense events, struggles to learn from her experiences. It results in repetitive destructive behaviors as she doesn’t recall past negative consequences, creating a persistent cycle.
For a long time, I felt profound guilt for desiring to lead my own life and not succumbing to manipulation to stay by her side. The situation becomes even more complex when you’re the sole daughter, designated as a sacrificial role for her well-being. Hence, I decided to move to another country, and as a result, maintaining some distance has led to improvements.
The Darkness Within
Identifying individuals with borderline personality disorder can pose several challenges. Some individuals appear normal in casual interactions, and their behavior varies among different people, even within their children. Furthermore, they assume distinct personalities in public or with outsiders, making it challenging for those who don’t live with a BPD person to comprehend the reality of their personality and surroundings.
Commonly, people around blame the family for the predicaments a BPD individual faces. Amongst siblings, each might hold a different perception of the BPD mother due to her unique behavior. Frequently, one is labeled the “good child” while the others are seen as the “no-good children,” leading to tension and awkwardness. The “good child” becomes the loyal protector of the mother without understanding why his siblings perceive her so differently.
The book delineates four types of BPD mothers, each with distinct characteristics, although a mother’s identity may exhibit traits from more than one type. This categorization aids in recognizing the disorder, and these categories are not mutually exclusive. The four types include: The Waif Mother, The Hermit Mother, The Queen Mother and The Witch Mother.
The Waif Mother
The Waif Mothers have a cycle of depression and isolation that makes them feel like failures. They find it challenging to manage their emotions and often hide their anger behind sadness. At times, their anger catches others off guard, making them feel powerless. Unconsciously, Waif Mothers need to remain in a state of vulnerability to feel safe.
People with this personality type find it difficult to expect the consequences of their decisions. They perceive themselves as incompetent and rely significantly on the approval of others. So, they tend to misinterpret innocent comments as criticism and do not tolerate different opinions. And reject them.
Besides, Waif Mothers need help to handle small failures or minor disappointments. Taking care of themselves and their belongings is a challenge, making them vulnerable to being taken advantage of by others. Their children may feel overwhelmed by these mothers’ inability to care for themselves.
As mothers, they are often passive and permissive, not realizing how their helplessness affects their children. Low self-esteem influences all aspects of their lives, making them feel like failures as mothers, partners, and employees. As a result, their children may internalize the message that they are not good enough and underestimate their capabilities.
So, the Waif Mothers tend to face chronic health problems, frequently visit the doctor, or neglect their health altogether. Children who have assumed the role of caregiver may become compulsively self-sufficient.
“The Waif is frequently victimized and evokes sympathy and concern from others. Although she can be socially engaging, she can quickly turn on those she needs, leaving friends and family members perplexed. The Waif projects her feelings of helplessness and victimization onto others. Discarded friends ask themselves, “What did I do to deserve this?”
The Hermit Mother
The Hermit Mother’s dread of losing control contrasts with her outward self-reliance and confidence, concealing a blend of fear and hostility. This fear serves as her lifeline; without it, she experiences apathy.
Regrettably, few comprehend The Hermit Mother’s anguish because her fear prevents her from seeking help. Her perfectionistic tendencies, excessive worries, and occasional insomnia set her apart from more showy BPD types.
Hence, The Hermit Mother remains within her protective shell, evading exposure. She yearns for reassurance but struggles to accept it, fearing both domination and abandonment. Closeness is as menacing to her as solitude.
These mothers often grapple with an enduring fear of self-harm or harm to others. They may harbor superstitions and suspicions, forge alliances based on conspiracy theories, and sow anxiety in their families. It fosters a perpetual atmosphere of restlessness and apprehension.
Their propensity for obsessively monitoring their children’s health leaves them deprived of a standard of normalcy for assessing their well-being.
“The Hermit may be superstitious and suspicious of anything that threatens her control. Extraordinarily perceptive, she may believe that she is psychic. But, innumerable phobias obstruct her ability to relax, socialize, or enjoy life. Hermit mothers suffer from persistent fantasies of harm coming to themselves or others, and tend to attribute hostile intentions to others.”
The Queen Mother
The Queen Mother is fueled by inner emptiness and craves special treatment due to a deprived childhood. She lacks a sense of uniqueness and endures intense emptiness, burning yearning, and insatiable desire. She stores things out of fear of losing them prematurely, yet never finds satisfaction even when her desires are met.
Furthermore, The Queen Mother believes she can breach others’ boundaries and take what she desires. It often makes her intrusive, loud, impatient, and extravagant. Her explosive fits of anger can strike fear into her children, and she doesn’t hesitate to resort to lying to achieve her aims.
She treats people as dolls to further her objectives, exploiting them without remorse. The Queen Mother is competitive, envious, and hungry for wealth, glamour, attention, and admiration. Those who dare to challenge her may face ostracism as disloyal individuals.
“The Queen relates to others with superficiality and an air of detachment. She may perceive others, including her children, as a threat to her own survival unless they relinquish their needs for hers. Queen mothers compete with their children for time, attention, love, and money.”
The Witch Mother
The children of The Witch Mother encounter difficulties trusting their mother’s love. When rage consumes The Witch, it can make others feel invisible to her. She often presents different versions of the same story to family members, driving wedges between them. Strangely, no one questions the Witch’s narrative, and she enjoys sowing discord among her children.
Children are the first to recognize something is wrong with their mother, yet it’s challenging to admit it. It’s hard to believe that a mother could harm her child. The offspring of The Witch Mother find themselves trapped in a hidden war, suppressing their memories and sometimes channeling their fear into hatred.
So, the Witch Mother takes pride in her desire for power and control, reveling in the fear and shock she instills in others. While most Witch Mothers do not physically harm their children, emotional sacrifice is more common.
The annihilating rage characterized the Witch’s emotional state. Regular mothers would selflessly protect their children, but The Witch Mother sacrifices her child to save herself. It’s important to note that not all borderline mothers behave like “Witches,” and some never do.
“But the Witch’s children live in terror of her power. The look in her eyes strikes fear in their hearts. Words alone can shatter their souls.”
For all children of Borderline Mothers, it is crucial to prioritize your well-being because no one else will. Overcoming guilt is an arduous journey but not an impossible one. While it’s vital to support our parents, we should not let their situation weigh us down.
Comment